i'll try to make this perfectly clear. (avantguardian) wrote,
i'll try to make this perfectly clear.
avantguardian

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i wish it all made sense now...

hey.
i wrote a really long post the other day from a computer at school, and something got fucked up and it wasnt posted. so i'll try to remember all i said.
i know that i said that i had an amazing weekend last weekend. i got to see so many great friends that i havent seen in forever (cathy, brian, adam, blake, phillip, shasta). you guys are awesome and i miss you terribly.
i also had a fun friday with erika, shaun anja and kyle. it was a "burningman meeting" but as aloways, just ended up being us all hanging out.

im very sick. i have bronchitis. it feels like theres a string attatched from the back of my throat to my lungs so that every time i breathe in too deep, i sort of gag and cough. its painful too. lukily, my body doesnt feel all that sick anymore. except i cant keep food down.

i sort of had a breakdown today. i feel like everything is falling apart. and then as soon as i try to explain what exactly is falling apart, it doesnt seem to be that horrendous of a list, but for some reason, it feels like more than i can describe.

i found out today that my car could possibly cost $4000 to repair, pretty much more than the value of the car. and i found out that the repairs ARENT covered under my warranty. big fucking surprise. so, after waiting a month to make sure everything was cool with the warranty, my car is now sitting on the lot of some insane independent VW mechanic waiting for me to figure something out. which right now, im not sure what the hell to do. i certainly dont have that kind of money, i spent all my money on the fucking car. damn this world, and damn me for wanting/needing a car. i dont even know what to think about it, because i actually really hate cars, and i've been doing fine without one for a month. but at the same time, i turned into a hermit and didnt do anything cause i couldnt. and thats sort of getting depressing. ive always liked being independent, but in a way im sort of dependent on my car. its also the fact that i just bought this car, and dont want to waste the money that i already spent on it. i guess thats always the dillema with repairing cars.

so, i have some pretty big news. but its very complicated.

i got into UCLA.

first of all, i got in as an art history major, which i am not. but i dont really think that would be that big of a problem. the main complication is that before i got in, i had pretty much decided that i wasnt gonna go. and now i got accepted and thats somewhat thrown out the window. now all the pros and cons that were weighing me down and stressing me out before come crashing back. i hate thinking about the future, its always stressful, depressing and futile. i can never really know what the best decision is, and ive probably taken so many "wrong" turns already. at least thats how it feels lately.
but my main reason for wanting to stay here is to give another a city a REAL chance, which i dont think i've really done yet. or if i have, im just starting to.
i feel like it is important for me to stick it out, make the best of it, see what i can find, explore, expand, and possibly, hopefully, understand the world and my place in it a little better. and i feel like if i ran back home, to the warmth of what feels comfortable and safe, i wouldnt be pushing myself to experience new things, places, situations.
i miss all my friends back in LA so so so much, and i think about them everyday. but i also think about how one can never re-create something the way it seems in one's head. i also know that those friends are friends forever, meaning that im not going to lose them by staying here for 2 more years in a sort of theraputic and self-realization maneurver.
im still very confused about it. i have until june 15 to decide, even through im pretty sure i already know im gonna stay, i still cant help thinking about the possibilities.
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