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i'll try to make this perfectly clear.

[ website | These are my boys ]
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stop the motors! [19 Mar 2007|10:45am]
my city is being ripped up. everywhere i go, there's jackhammers pounding the concrete, scaffolding staking out the sidewalks, and dumptrucks shoveling debris. i know its a sign of a coming economic surge in the mission. not to mention, its obnoxious, mining my senses. and a constant physical reminder of the machine that sustains the ruin of life.

the mission - the center of colonization of this very land. the growth of this metropolitan area came from that one building ('the oldest building in san francisco') and it continues to expand, to mine our land and our spirits.
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'hold on', is what they say. but i say 'open up your arms and let it fly away...' [23 Jan 2007|08:01pm]
life gets a little lonlier when your sister leaves town. but it was a wonderful weekend, having her here felt so natural.

saturday night we went out to the rickshaw stop - normally the site of blatant scenester superficiality - for a literary reading. we barely caught michelle tea (the reason i was drawn) and then, because we had an open tab at the bar, we stuck around for a while. seeing gorgeous women in decorative saris got me curious. then, to our delight they got on stage for a demonstration, dance instruction and performance of the banghra (i think that's how you spell it) dance - a traditional indian folk dance. its a dance of celebration and cultivation of energy - coming from the field workers harnessing the power of the earth for the growth of crops. they taught us an 8part routine and then let us just go wild. the music was hot - traditional indian songs with a live, thugging drum mixed with modern hip-hop beats. we danced our asses off - non-stop-banghra. it was the best possible dance party to 'randomly' find ourselves in the mix of.

the bomb shelter hosted a successful party sunday night. alex and i housewarmed our new room arrangements. we set up our rooms so that the connecting doors could be opened creating a much larger chilling space for festivities. its hot. i'm loving just being in my room now. it finally has great lighting again too. i got a tribal 'happy birthday' song with tons of floor stomping and pounding. loved ones, strangers, and stranger lovers.

my actual birthday looked like something of my ideal 'regular day' - breakfast with the buds - alex, tony and erika at the pork store - a splif rolled with love - a walk in the neighborhood - revolution cafe running into old friends and sitting outside smoking cigarettes, drinking soy vanilla lattes and talking street-corner philosophy - community yoga class with skeeter - soy cheese pizza delivered for dinner and a movie with the crew + abigail - with phonecalls, love-texts, and cacti arriving throughout the day!

thank you everyone! i'm feeling everything, and i'm glad to be part of this world as i turn toward another year.

onward, peaceful warriors!
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the horizon's overflowing [18 Jan 2007|09:31am]
so much grand activity awaiting us all. i'm happy to see your lives brightening everyday.

we can make it all really, really free -

so what's stopping us?

no thing. not one thing.

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givin' love to all you love [17 Jan 2007|03:08am]
i'm coming back to you livejournal. its late though, and i am tired after my first day back at school. so for now, i'll just leave you with a good quote of the day -

If I can't dance to it, it's not my revolution
-emma goldman
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why do you turn & sheild your eyes? [01 Mar 2005|12:34am]
Do I burn too brightly?

i always thought that i intimidated you a little, that you always had to prove yourself to me, while all i wanted was to inspire.

you flicker, you amaze me:

i catch these moments where i can see your entirety all at once. i look at you and i just know you; it; life. but it is definitly a flicker...and dimming

I want your eyes to tell me i'm your only fling:

i want to kiss the back of your ear; run my lips down your back, kiss that place where your fingers meet your hands; and your eyelids. i wanted to care for you and give to you infinitly.
the entire time, all i wanted was to feel important to you, that we had this reciprocal dynamic, but i felt like you didnt want to view me as important as i could be, in order to keep yourself protected and reserved.

oh, dont take my love lightly...for i mean every word:

for a while i had relationships where i would say things that i didnt mean, because i felt like my partner wanted to hear a particular thing. but i realized how unhealthy that was for all sides. and i really dont have time to play games, or pretend in a the way i feel that you are expecting me to act. maybe thats a little projection?)
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community, not labels [16 Feb 2005|12:57am]
so i went to this meeting today for "anarchists" who are burned out by the connotation of that word. I went to the meeting because i am burned out by having my ideals sloshed into a label, therefore making them static and obsolete. there were many great ideas discussed, and plans for a really really free market - where booths or anything are set up in a public place for the sole purpose of giving things away. so based on this, i feel that is a great expression of one part of anarchy (the idea) in that it demonstrates a money free "economy" where the needs of a community and the waste of the community come together in a harmonious way. and i think this is great. but the problem i have is when it is defined as "anarchist" which is definite and therefore exclusive, marketable, labeled, discredited, manipulated by the media based on the perceived reality of the definition.
if the goal is to unify rather than to divide, i believe that words should follow actions. better yet, let the actions speak for themselves. without labels.

for now, sayonara
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i think i need to start using this thing again [10 Feb 2005|11:26pm]
whats up everyone, how are you?
i'm doing pretty well...surviving the winter. even though its not really much colder up here, for the first time i actually do get the sensation of a season. my job is entirely tourist based, so in the summer, my restaurant was super busy, and now its completly dead, meaning there are no shifts and no money. which is ok. the hardest part was getting used to only working 2 shifts a week. what to do with the rest of the time was bugging me for a while. i saw how easy it would be to fall into a pit of depression and worthlessness as if i was snowed in. but i managed to deal with it pretty well. i started taking some classes at city college and all except one are totally awesome.
other than that, i've been spending alot of time with my roomates and creating what is feeling more and more like a community at home.
the love life is mellowing out, which i feel is something that i really need right now. or actually i need the absence of a love life for a while.
i feel so much love around me no matter where i go, or even if i go nowhere at all and its the kind of love that is effortless, unspoken and universal. true beauty in all its temporal sincerity.

more to come.
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[15 Apr 2004|03:34pm]
so, im in san francisco now, and in a lazy effort to feel not-so-disconnected, i deceided to update my journal. Its who i'll talk to when theres no one to talk to.
I live in this great house now, but i'm the only one who's home in it most of the time.
I was expecting alot more. I wanted exceitment of a big city, but Im realizing that wont happen to me while im sitting here expecting it.

meanwhile, i've been getting really into animal rights lately thanks to my new roomate who supplies me with endless conversations and a library of videos of animals being tortured in unbelievable ways.

thanks for reading, I MISS ALL OF YOU SOOOOO MUCH.

i love you,
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fuck you and your untouchable face [03 Oct 2003|12:32pm]
live journals can be so dangerous. browsing around, not knowing what you'll find.
open a page and get hit in the face. you've been replaced. pictures to prove it. and they look so much happier.
now starts the comparisons.
i hate the race after a relationship to end up on top. but its all a facade anyways. there is no way either person involved can be better than they were together at that perfect moment. when nothing else mattered. and you two could lay there in his bed falling in and out of consciousness, not afraid to fall asleep, not afraid to wake up.

how can what we had be reproduced? was that all it was when we were together too? because to tell you the truth, it felt genuine. and now i feel naive.

and i just wonder if he's happy. because im not. and maybe that means i lose. but ive been loosing for years.
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validation for your existence anyone? [15 Jul 2003|02:38pm]
[ mood | confused ]

its getting harder and harder to stand this immobility. I need to do something. feel like im affecting the world in an additive way. I need to remove all the 'somes' 'stuffs' 'shits' and 'i dont knows' from my life. I need knowing and feeling and explinations that say more about me than the process im describing. No more things. Because things dont tell me anything at all. They're grey matter, glossing over what really matters. and what really matters? questions with no definte answers.

I could lie and say the most quasi-independent and self-motivated cliche and say "its a common misconception that not having a car means not having a life". But ive grown tired of my walls. stiffling stucco sedation inside and out.

it makes me want to cry when i think that the last time i cried was when i got soap in my eyes, but i cant. Tears always bow down to that tyrannical idol of apathy in subservient worship.

I give out validation 300 times a day at work. and free parking is all that people really care about. theres so much going on and so much im not part of and no one cares whats going on right here. and its depressing that that i feel like i need validation too.

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speaking in tongues... [02 Jul 2003|04:32am]
[ mood | crushed ]

the universe was in front of me and then i turned on the computer monitor and it vanished.
subtle reminders of my waking life.
molded by insecurities, personal interactions and visual icons.

im so scared i cant brreathe. these feelings were supposed to be tied away. far away from reincarnation. but when i look into your eyes my blood flows faster. my eyes flicker quicker. and my heart literally pumps harder.

and yet you are as still as a firestation pole before an emergency bell. an overcompensatory blockade. thoroughly unaffected by any disturbance outside yourself. how can you go home after a night like tonite? how can you walk out the door and not feel something. how can you look into my eyes and step back?

and how long can i hold back, waiting for you to tell me you feel something so that i dont feel alone.

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attn: LAO [23 Jun 2003|02:04pm]
just so that everyone in LAO knows ------> i was 100% planning on coming to your show tonite. but once again my car is non-functional. so im sooooooo sorry. and have a great show!!
i love you!
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[10 Jun 2003|08:51pm]
im into quoting today i guess...i was reading some old stuff i wrote and i quoted this a while ago in my journal. its by ken kesey, who's really cool by the way.

"The answer is never the answer. What's really interesting is the mystery. If you seek the mystery instead of the answer, you'll always be seeking. I've never seen anybody really find the answer-- they think they have, so they stop thinking. But the job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which strange plants grow and mysteries bloom. The need for mystery is greater than the need for an answer."
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[10 Jun 2003|11:43am]
i upgraded to a new version of soulseek, and now it doesnt work. does anyone know if the server is down or maybe its a problem with my firewall or router or something? does anyone have any advice?
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[10 Jun 2003|10:54am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

im thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

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where is my mind? [28 May 2003|02:01am]
[ mood | confused ]

i feel like i want something that i cant quite put my finger on. and it worries me because i feel like im creating the illusion of being happy by veiling my real emotions.
and once they come out, its healthy, but difficult to realize.

in other news, i want to go to cuba so badly! and quickly, before it crumbles into the pit of a US protectorate. when i was sick i sat at my computer fantasizing about going, planning out a trip i have no money to take. but that hasnt always stopped me in the past.

this anxious butterfly infested stomach feeling is alarming. i need to find out where its coming from.

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better than ever [26 May 2003|04:03pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

looks like the storm has passed, and i made it through!
im feeling so much better.
i got my car back, it works, and it didnt cost me my first born.
and all around my spirits are way high again.

man, 2 weeks of being sick can really turn one's world upside down. i didnt really realize it til now, but i was starting to get really depressed.

i had such a fun night at kyles last night. me, him and eric hung out til like 4 a.m. drinking wine, and then kyle made me breakfast when we woke up. Plus I woke up and my cough sounded hollow, which is a very good sign.

today= cleaning apartment
catching up on schoolwork
dancing around my apartment in my underwear

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it might be your last... [23 May 2003|05:34pm]
[ mood | holding on ]

so last week the doctor said i had bronchitis.
now i have pneumonia.

i think im dying.

thanks to everyone who called me and made sure im ok. you know who you are.

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i wish it all made sense now... [17 May 2003|01:35am]
[ mood | confused, ill, depressed, and lonely ]

i wrote a really long post the other day from a computer at school, and something got fucked up and it wasnt posted. so i'll try to remember all i said.
i know that i said that i had an amazing weekend last weekend. i got to see so many great friends that i havent seen in forever (cathy, brian, adam, blake, phillip, shasta). you guys are awesome and i miss you terribly.
i also had a fun friday with erika, shaun anja and kyle. it was a "burningman meeting" but as aloways, just ended up being us all hanging out.

im very sick. i have bronchitis. it feels like theres a string attatched from the back of my throat to my lungs so that every time i breathe in too deep, i sort of gag and cough. its painful too. lukily, my body doesnt feel all that sick anymore. except i cant keep food down.

i sort of had a breakdown today. i feel like everything is falling apart. and then as soon as i try to explain what exactly is falling apart, it doesnt seem to be that horrendous of a list, but for some reason, it feels like more than i can describe.

i found out today that my car could possibly cost $4000 to repair, pretty much more than the value of the car. and i found out that the repairs ARENT covered under my warranty. big fucking surprise. so, after waiting a month to make sure everything was cool with the warranty, my car is now sitting on the lot of some insane independent VW mechanic waiting for me to figure something out. which right now, im not sure what the hell to do. i certainly dont have that kind of money, i spent all my money on the fucking car. damn this world, and damn me for wanting/needing a car. i dont even know what to think about it, because i actually really hate cars, and i've been doing fine without one for a month. but at the same time, i turned into a hermit and didnt do anything cause i couldnt. and thats sort of getting depressing. ive always liked being independent, but in a way im sort of dependent on my car. its also the fact that i just bought this car, and dont want to waste the money that i already spent on it. i guess thats always the dillema with repairing cars.

so, i have some pretty big news. but its very complicated.

i got into UCLA.

first of all, i got in as an art history major, which i am not. but i dont really think that would be that big of a problem. the main complication is that before i got in, i had pretty much decided that i wasnt gonna go. and now i got accepted and thats somewhat thrown out the window. now all the pros and cons that were weighing me down and stressing me out before come crashing back. i hate thinking about the future, its always stressful, depressing and futile. i can never really know what the best decision is, and ive probably taken so many "wrong" turns already. at least thats how it feels lately.
but my main reason for wanting to stay here is to give another a city a REAL chance, which i dont think i've really done yet. or if i have, im just starting to.
i feel like it is important for me to stick it out, make the best of it, see what i can find, explore, expand, and possibly, hopefully, understand the world and my place in it a little better. and i feel like if i ran back home, to the warmth of what feels comfortable and safe, i wouldnt be pushing myself to experience new things, places, situations.
i miss all my friends back in LA so so so much, and i think about them everyday. but i also think about how one can never re-create something the way it seems in one's head. i also know that those friends are friends forever, meaning that im not going to lose them by staying here for 2 more years in a sort of theraputic and self-realization maneurver.
im still very confused about it. i have until june 15 to decide, even through im pretty sure i already know im gonna stay, i still cant help thinking about the possibilities.

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You seem so out of context. [07 May 2003|02:18pm]
for the first time yesterday, i was severely disillusioned with my boyfriend. and it was a sad moment. it didnt last for very long, but i kept thinking to myself that he was just completely full of shit. but i was probably just tired. because then we spent the rest of the night together and it was great. we spent an hour at the video store throwing down movies that the other hadnt seen. of course he's seen so many i havent seen. which is pretty much the epitome of that portion of our relationship. but anwyays, i wanted to see 'Charade' and miraculously, he hadnt seen it. old time audrey hepburn and carry grant cheezy spy-ish movie. it was awesome.

i love our late night talks where we wisper and fills holes in the silence just in time to catch me in this psudo-slumber state.

im supposed to call my warranty company today to try and get my vehicle fixed, but A. im worried that im gonna fuck it up, since so much of "the story" has be right
and B. i just dont even want to deal with it, i hate having a car sometimes, its so much hassle, and i can get by without one.

but at the same time, i did spent a butt-load of money on it. so i should get it fixed.

things with my roomates are weird now. i actually like the way things are, but i could see them not really liking it and getting pissy with me. how things are, are that i mostly am not home or am home in my room, with the door shut. its not that i want to shut them out, but yeah, actually i kinda do want to shut them out. i just want some space of my own. its not really personal. so, its nice for me, but i could see them thinking that i dont want them around or something.

last weekend i went to go see Waiting for Godot that this acting group at my school put on. it was pretty well done, the second act rocked. but it spawned good discussions with kyle and eric. i liked taking them who had never seen it before, it got some good perspectives for me to bounce off of.

ok this is way long. i miss you all.

who wants to hang out this weekend? im coming home saturday morning if all works out as planned.

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